Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
(Musicians.)
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams