If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi