“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere