Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
How do you milk an almond?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
When news reporters do sports stories