With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
when mom throws a party…
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.