[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.