Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Carpe DM
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time