my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
You Might Also Like
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.