Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Feels like there should be a middle ground
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
this isn’t threatening at all
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.