“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.