Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?