Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
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kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Current mood: Potato
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?