Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Pickled cat.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.