SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over