I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Nice try Hitler
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade