You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon