all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
God, I love Scotland
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.