It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…