[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.