I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep