What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company