Me when someone tries to get to know me
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Every house has this drawer
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”