Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted