Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
What
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION