It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..