Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.