Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”