Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening