my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Okay me first
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work