Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Actually cracking up @ this
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house