Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
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My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Bed should get ready for ME
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.