Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
this isn’t threatening at all
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER