The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
You Might Also Like
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
This will never not be funny to me.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum