@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
damn he’s good
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that