I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.