Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.