There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.