About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
You sure about that?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.