I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
bought wrong eggs
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.