Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
You Might Also Like
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves