Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.