Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck