I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
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ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
But that’s none of my business
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought