[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]