A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
no cat here
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.