JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
This will never not be funny to me.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.