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My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.