My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.