agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.