Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!